Marriages That Last

About 15 years ago Rick and another guy went into business together. They worked on the business for about five years and it just never took off. We struggled tremendously. We sold our home for little or nothing just to get out from under the payments that we were behind on. Finally, after the five year period, we decided it was time to hang it up and move on to something else.

Rick landed a really nice job in Cleveland, Ohio. We had never lived in the snow and it was pretty far from S.C. which was where we were at the time. (It was great because we were living only a couple of hours away from my family and we had a lot of friends in S.C.) So moving there seemed like a sacrifice to make but we had to do something and it felt right. We took the nice paying job and things were going pretty well. For awhile anyway.

After we had been there for a year we bought a house. We felt really good and were making plans for our future, finally saving in a 401(k), etc. Then we got laid off. (Notice I said "we" because when something like this happens, it happens to both of you.)

Rick was one of the most recent to be hired so it was only fair that he was one of the first to go. Shortly after that, 9/11 happened and the computer world spiraled downward. We were unemployed for quite a while. He did get some employment off and on during the three to four years of unemployment. Had it not been for good friends, family, and help from our church we would have been on the streets.

This economic time that we are experiencing now reminds me of the hard time we had in Ohio. I know what it can do to a marriage, IF YOU LET IT. The stress is unbelievable at times. The news reports say that mortgage companies will work with you and so will credit card companies. Well frankly, for the most part we found this not to be the case.

Dr. Phil recently said, "You're still that same capable person. You still have all the qualties that make you, you. You're not all of a sudden stupid or inept because you have financial problems. You've gotten caught in a "perfect storm" of conditions, most of which were beyond your control."

I totally agree with him. As the wife of someone who was laid off (more than once actually), I can tell you it does change your marriage. So what do you do? Well, let me give you seven tips that can help you out.

1. You have to be very tolerant of each other. Put yourself in your spouse's shoes. Being laid off is particularly hard for men. They feel a sense of loss. They feel it's their responsibility to work and take care of their family. This affects their egos. And let's face it. All men have egos. It's part of what makes them a man!  They feel ashamed and its just stressful beyond comprehension. Unless you've been there or are there now, it's hard to truly understand.

2. You can stay emotionally healthy no matter how sick the economy gets.

3. You can choose how this crisis affects you and your family. In fact, it may even make you stronger. Looking back, I know it made Rick and I stronger. It made our marriage stronger as well.

4. Cut expenses to the bone and I mean cut them to the BONE. What will that mean to you? That depends on you and your situation. For some couples, it might mean not "eating out." For Rick and I, it meant eliminating magazines, newspapers, etc. It meant buying the bare minimum on groceries. It meant not eating out at restaurants. It meant not going to the movies. You just have to do whatever it takes here.

5. Do whatever you can to bring in income. Immediately, if not sooner! Again, I do mean whatever you can! Like I said in tip 4, this will be different for every couple. In our case, Rick picked up some extra software development contracts. I cleaned houses. Rick even tried selling cars and insurance for awhile. (Rick likes sales but he's NOT a salesman. He's a software developer!) The point here is to do whatever it takes. And that leads me to my next tip.

6. Do NOT and I mean DO NOT hesitate to collect unemployment. The first time Rick got laid off, he waited to register for unemployment (because he'd never been laid off before and he didn't know what he was supposed to do). BIG MISTAKE! Get that unemployment coming in as soon as possible. Besides. President Obama and Congress recently authorized some extensions to your unemployment benefits.

7. Know that the situation won't last forever. While you're going through a situation like this, that's tough to remember. Relying on each other is absolutely key here.

8. Bonus tip. Communicate, communicate, communicate. You absolutely must talk about everything. How you're feeling. What you're thinking. What you're planning. Everything. I can tell you from experience that you'll have good days and bad days while you're going through this situation. It'll be an unbelievable roller coaster ride. But you have to talk with each other about ALL OF IT!

So... have you experienced anything similar to my story? Are you experiencing it now? What can you add that would help all of us deal with situations like this? Please add your comments so we can have a good discussion about this.